Simple Steps to Being an LGBTQ Ally

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On September 6th, 2018, the Indian Supreme Court struck down the provision of Section 377 of the IPC (Indian Penal Code) which criminalised same-sex intercourse. While this was a significant victory for India’s LGBTQ community, it is by no means enough. Various forms of discrimination, including but not limited to homophobia*, biphobia*, transphobia* and aphobia*, still run rampant in our country. One simple example of this is the fact that same-sex marriages are not recognised by the state. However, in a democracy like India, the government is just a reflection of our society. So today (May 17th), on International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia, let’s focus on our own shortcomings instead of the nation’s. Let’s learn how we can be allies to the queer community around us.

What’s the first step I should take to be an ally?

The first step to supporting your LGBTQ acquaintances, peers, friends and family is to educate yourself. Even if you don’t personally know a member of the community, it’s important to be familiar with it. Whenever you have a moment to spare, do some research on different genders and sexual orientations. The internet has a boundless collection of resources that explain the spectrum of identities within the LGBTQ society through essays, videos and even memes! To save you the time, here is a handy compilation of politically correct terms for various groups of the LGBTQ population:

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2017/06/15/lgbtq-glossary-slang-ally-learn-language/101200092/

What else can I do to help as an ally?

Here are some simple actions you can take to help the queer community:

Make an effort to use respectful language when speaking of this community.
Similarly, do not stay silent when someone else speaks of, or to, them in a derogatory manner.
If you are a straight, cis*, person, check your privilege so you can sympathise with those who do not have the same benefits.
When meeting someone for the first time, do not assume which gender they are, or what their romantic or sexual preference is - wait for them to tell you who they are.
If you are called out on problematic behaviour, do not get defensive. Instead, apologise, correct yourself, and move on from the incident.

How should I react if a queer friend comes out to me?

As a straight, allo*, cis female, I have an extremely limited perspective. So to answer this question, I asked my biromantic* friend - let’s call her Alex - to share what she believes is an ideal response to this kind of confession.

“The best reaction would be ‘okay, that’s cool’,” Alex muses, “because that shows they’re automatically accepting.”

Therefore, if a friend comes out to you as gay, bisexual, asexual, aromatic and/or transgender, don’t create much ado about it. Just make it clear that you recognise who they are, and are willing to provide a listening ear and a helping hand. Remember, your friend has shown respect, trust and affection by disclosing their identity to you. It is your duty to be worthy of these sentiments.

How should I react if my child comes out as queer?

If your child comes out as a member of the LGBTQ family, your responsibility, and subsequently anxiety, for their happiness is far greater than that of a friend. So to help you navigate this daunting experience, here are some major do’s and dont’s.

First of all, make sure your child knows that you are there for them, and will assist them on their journey. For example, tell your child, “I understand, and accept you for who you are”, or “I don’t understand completely, but I will make an effort to do so”.

Phrases like “it’s just a phase” and “you’ll grow out of it”, meanwhile, are absolute faux pas, as they completely invalidate your child’s sense of self.

It should be clear to you that this is your child’s identity, and it isn’t going to change anytime soon. “And even if it does change,” says Alex, “it’s not an ‘I told you so’ moment.”

Welcome your child’s new identity, as they feel safe, comfortable and content within it. If, some time down the line, they decide to change it, understand and accept that, too.

How can I, as a parent, be an ally as well?

As a child, I think the main mistake parents make when it comes to the queer community is sheltering their kids from it.

While most heterosexual couples are happy to let their little girls read stories about Prince Charming saving the day, they rarely ever expose them to stories about two women falling in love. Sure, this may be due to a lack of lesbian representation in the media, but it’s also because of the ingrained fear of “the other” in their minds.

Here’s an example of why this fear is not only foolish, but dangerous as well:

Aryan and Anita are an ordinary Indian couple with a baby boy named Avi. When Avi turns ten, they explain romance and relationships to him. They tell him that someday, he might fall in love with a woman, marry her, and start a family of his own. Avi listens disinterestedly, and soon returns to his model train set.

Then, a few weeks later, he comes across the word “bisexual” on social media. When he asks his parents what it means, they hush him, saying that he’s “too young” to understand it. His impressionable mind now forms negative connotations around the word. When he finally learns about homosexuality from his mates at school, he’s taught to joke about it, to jeer at it, to call his enemies “gay” as an insult.

Avi grows up, and marries a woman equally as bland as his mother. Soon, she gives birth to a girl. When this girl turns nine, she asks Avi what the word “lesbian” means. And Avi replies, “Don’t worry about that word, you’re far too young to understand it anyway.”

If your kid is old enough to learn about heterosexual relationships, they’re old enough to learn about the various diverse relationships that fall into the LGBTQ category, too. Don’t teach your child that a relationship is a romantic connection between a man and woman. Teach them that a relationship is a healthy, loving, romantic bond between any individuals.

Break the vicious cycle of heteronormativity*.

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Being an ally isn’t difficult at all. Even small measures, like choosing to watch shows with queer representation, or speaking up when someone close to you makes a transphobic remark, show that you care. “At the end of the day,” says Alex, “all it takes is education and acceptance.”

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*Glossary

Homophobia – Dislike of homosexual people

Biphobia – Dislike of bisexual people

Transphobia – Dislike of transgender people

Aphobia – Dislike of people on the asexual and aromantic spectrums

Cis –  Cisgender; a person whose sense of personal identity and gender corresponds with their birth sex

Allo – Alloromatic; feeling romantic attraction

Allosexual; feeling sexual attraction

Biromantic – Feeling romantic attraction to both men and women

Heteronormativity – The belief that heterosexuality is the ‘normal’ mode of sexual orientation